Dennis Milam Bensie – Author

Southern Illinois University in Carbondale
The 1980′s

There were three places where gay men would meet when I was in college: a local gay bar called Mainstreet East, a cruisy restroom in the basement of the campus library, and four parking lots along Crab Orchard Lake just outside of Carbondale. The parking lots were known as the “big parking lot,” Vaseline Alley, Little Tahiti and Big Tahiti. All of these places could be dangerous. Southern Illinois was not a gay friendly place at the time.

A grisly murder shook Carbondale’s gay community the last semester of my senior year. On April 9, 1988, twenty-three year old Michael Miley’s decapitated body was found in the trunk of his burnt out 1972 Chevy Impala at an underdeveloped area of Crab Orchard Lake known as Rocky Comfort.

I didn’t personally know Michael Miley or his twin brother, Matthew, but I certainly remember seeing them around the bar and the lake. Photos of Michael on the television and in the newspaper scared me because he was so normal looking. The brothers were short and skinny; well dressed. There was nothing threatening or unusual about either of the Miley brothers. It was hard to grasp that someone in rural Illinois could murder and decapitate such a man.

The thought was that someone wanted to clean up the lake; get rid of the fags. An example was being made of Michael Miley.

The most popular, but disputed, version of the actual murder was that Michael Miley was verbally harassed by a local man named Richard Nitz at Crab Orchard Lake on the evening of April 6, 1988. Nitz had a reputation for hating gay men and harassing them. Miley allegedly followed Nitz to his nearby home and confronted him. A not so trustworthy eyewitness claims she saw Nitz assault Miley with a baseball bat in his driveway rendering him unconscious. Richard Nitz’s wife, Nita, helped him load Miley’s body into the trunk of his car and the two drove the victim’s car back to the lake where Nitz shot Michael Miley in the head, then decapitated him. His head and the gun that supposedly was used to kill Miley have never been found.

Richard Nitz had established what was known around the lake as a “Trog Club”–a group whose purpose was to harass homosexual men. His wife, Nita, was a “Trogette.”

The facts of the murder are not clear. Without a head or a murder weapon it was hard to know what really happened. It seemed unlikely to some that Michael Miley would follow Nitz to his house to confront him. He was a shy and non-confrontational type of guy. There are other versions of the story that have floated around for years. The location of the murder and what the real weapon used to kill the man have all been argued.

Nitz and his wife went on a spending spree with Miley’s credit card the weekend after the murder linking them to the crime. Both of the Nitz’s got hefty prison sentences. Nita was convicted for assisting her husband with the disposal of the body.

There was a monster living amongst us …in rural Illinois. A killer who specifically hated gay men. Someone filled with enough rage to cut a man’s head off. Even though I didn’t know Michael Miley, it was hard to imagine being so close to such a horrible thing.

The last five months I lived in Carbondale were filled with emotion. I was getting ready to graduate and start my life, yet the newspapers and TV reports following the murder of Michael Miley made me feel guilty. He hadn’t done anything that I hadn’t done. We were the same age and were probably similar in many ways. How did the Universe decide to take him away and not me?

Carbondale wasn’t the last not-so-gay-friendly-place I lived. The quest to be seen and find love as a gay man put me in a lot of dangerous situations in my youth. It seems absurd to me now that I did such things when all I was looking for was acceptance and companionship. Has it gotten better for gay people since the 1980′s?

I haven’t set foot in Carbondale since 1989. I had a wonderful experience at SIU-C, but I don’t miss worrying about my safety. My hope is that the pockets of America like where I grew up are becoming more tolerant –more safe– for the LGBT community.

Rest in peace, Michael Miley.

My second book, ONE GAY AMERICAN, is coming along well. Coffeetown Press and I decided to push the release date back to September 1, 2012 to give me more time to gather reviews and blurbs. Many people involved in the early years of the gay rights movement and LGBT history are still alive and I hope they will embrace my memoir and give me a blurb for the cover of the book.

In other news…

I still have a few ties to my hometown of Robinson, Illinois. Facebook has be a valuable tool in keeping up to date with old friends and the goings-on in the tiny town of 6,000. There is a group page on Facebook called, “You’re From Robinson, Illinois If You Remember…” The page is a constant stream of posts ranging from the excitement of mushroom hunting season, to the town’s rich history before Wal-Mart arrived.

Recently, a citizen posted a picture of her enormous Victorian house on Walnut Street asking for information on it’s history; specifically about the removal and replacement of the pointed roof over the house’s circle staircase. It took me a minute, but I realized that I used to live in that house: July 1984 to April 1985.

My fiance, Jessica, and I rented a one bedroom apartment upstairs in the back part of the house. The home at the time was not well maintained at all; our living room ceiling was caving in from a leaky roof. Nothing had been painted, or even cleaned, in years. Everything was falling apart. We overlooked the neglect and deterioration and took the apartment because it had lots of character. We saw lots of potential; it was like the setting to a gothic romance novel.

Our crazy landlord was a recently divorced woman who didn’t have the means to care for the house. The rent was $200 a month, all utilities included. It was a stretch for us to pay even that much rent. I was nineteen years old college student and Jessica was an underpaid secretary. We weren’t asked to sign a lease as the owner was accustomed to renting out the apartment and extra bedrooms in rapid succession to temporary, migrant workers for the local refinery.

This house is where a good portion of ONE GAY AMERICAN and SHORN: TOYS TO MEN takes place. The beautiful, wooden circle staircase in the foyer with the pointed roof above was the most impressive part of the structure. It was the feature that sold Jessica and I on the house. We moved in and I immediately began fantasizing of a different life –one that matched the grandeur of the staircase –every time I went up the stairs or down the stairs. In my head, I was going to and from someplace better than where I was in my reality. It was hard for me to admit, but my fantasies didn’t feature me as a traditional husband.

Jessica and I were well on our way to planning our wedding when we moved into that house. Despite my private doubts and fears, it was an exciting time. I was doing everything I felt I was supposed to. But I knew it wasn’t real. I couldn’t get past the wishful thinking of the staircase; pretending to be something I wasn’t. I knew I was in the wrong romance novel.

Seeing the picture of the house on Facebook brings back one of my darkest memories. There is a chapter in SHORN: TOYS TO MEN where I invite a stranger into the house while Jessica was at work. That particular day was sinister and scary. My life could have dramatically changed it’s course that day. Keeping the secret was better than coming out of the closet.

Looking back, I can now admit that my life was in just as much disarray as the house I was living in in 1984.

I find great comfort in seeing that the house has a new owner who has properly maintained it. It would have been a shame for the house to have been condemned or torn down. It really did have great potential …and so did I.

My second book, ONE GAY AMERICAN will be released on June 1, 2012

Dennis Milam Bensie is One Gay American. Born in the 1960s and raised with traditional values in Robinson, Illinois, Bensie desperately wanted romance, a beautiful wedding, and a baby to carry on the family name. He denied his sexuality and married a woman at nineteen years old, but fantasized of weddings where he could be the bride. The newlyweds “adopted” a Cabbage Patch Doll and ironically witnessed a Cabbage Patch Doll wedding (a successful fundraiser staged by a local women’s club) where the dolls were granted the type of grand ceremony off-limits to gay couples.

In search of his identity as a gay man, Bensie divorced his wife and stumbled through missteps and lessons that still sting his generation: defending against bullies, “disappointing” his parents, and looking for love in gay bars, bath houses and restrooms. He helped his straight friends plan their dream weddings and mourned his gay friends dying of AIDS. Although true love has not yet come his way, Bensie has learned to love himself.

Bensie is the author of the much-lauded memoir, Shorn: Toys to Men, which recounts his battle with paraphilia. One Gay American tells the rest of his story and draws parallels to gay history, decade by decade, with newspaper headlines and quotations. Bensie is the gay neighbor that you either love or hate. Either way, he’s got a lot to say and says it with no apologies.

I have been diligently moving forward with my second memoir ONE GAY AMERICAN. The manuscript went to Coffeetown Press February 1, 2012 and will be released on June 1, 2012. I have been very focused on all of the details it takes to get a book out into the world: proofreading, editing, designing a cover, ect.

The biggest project has been securing the rights to a picture I desperately want to use in the book.

Meet Gay Bob, circa 1977 (left) and Billy, circa 1997 (right): two commercially made, anatomically correct dolls. Both dolls were marketed as the first “gay doll”, but Gay Bob was clearly first.

The subject of little boys playing with dolls is still pretty socially taboo. But what about gay men playing with gay dolls? My friend Jim and I both own and love Gay Bob and Billy. There is a chapter in ONE GAY AMERICAN about us collecting dolls as adults in the 1990s.

Both dolls come clothed in stereotypically gay clothes: plaid shirts, jeans, boots. Gay Bob came with a purse and an earring in his left ear. He was sold in a box that was his closet. Billy wore gay pride freedom rings and his box was lined with a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge. He was later sold wearing full gay leatherman gear and a variety of other gay outfits.

I chose to picture Gay Bob and Billy together naked; only a Post-It note to shield their goods. I feel it measures how gay men were perceived between the 1970s through the 1990s.

My publisher at Coffeetown Press wasn’t hesitant about the dolls genitalia; she was more worried about the doll’s copyright. She was nervous given the political climate and the nature of my book that someone could come out of the woodwork and sue me for infringing the copyright of Billy and Gay Bob. My editor nor I knew very much about the dolls history. Thus began the big search.

Gay Bob was created by a man named Harvey Rosenberg through his company called Gizmo. The doll was ahead of it’s time and wasn’t around very long. Mr. Rosenberg died in 2001.

Billy was made by a designer named John McKitterick through a company called Totem International. Billy was first made for a London AIDS charity, then later came to the US mass market and sold in gay-friendly specialty shops. He later got a boyfriend doll named Carlos.

Mr. McKitterick was the head of Fashion Design at Kingston University in London until around 2003. He literally vanishes from the Internet after that. Not even an online obituary.

I have spent hours tracking these dolls. I followed every lead I found. I emailed anyone I could looking for information on these dolls that could bring me to the right person to ask for permission to use the picture of the two dolls.

I eventually found information on the logos for the dolls through an online trademark search engine. Both Billy and Gay Bob’s trademarks were not renewed after the dolls went off the market …but that isn’t the copyright for the actual doll. The trademark just covers the logo on the box.

I spoke to a lovely woman on the phone at the US Copyright office. The dolls do not appear in the US Copyright database. Attempts to trace the copyright without a number from the database is difficult. The woman couldn’t legally advise me, but she commended me on my fortitude.

I considered hiring a copyright investigator to keep looking but it wasn’t in the budget. The search for Billy and Gay Bob went cold.

An attorney friend of mine finally said what I want to hear. Using a picture of the dolls that I took myself should fall under “fair use”. As long as the picture of the dolls is not used to market my book, say in a flyer or on the cover, then it should be fine. My Billy and Gay Bob picture will be used once, tucked away in the book three-quarters of the way through.

If someone does come forward and claim the copyright, they could only sue me if they can prove damages from my use of the picture. ONE GAY AMERICAN does not damage Gay Bob or Billy’s image. If anything, the chapter practically celebrates them.

The journey to use my picture of Gay Bob and Billy is only one example of all the work it take to publish a book. One could argue that writing the book is the easy part.

If you are not gay then you might not know the international gay magazine, The Advocate.

If you are gay, then you probably know that it is pretty important. It has been around the longest of any A list gay magazine in history. You used to be able to buy it in stores, but now you can only get it by subscription and via the internet. It used to be the only gay magazine that wasn’t porn when I was coming out of the closet.

I write about first buying The Advocate while living in Chapel Hill, North Carolina in Shorn: Toys to Men.

There were 23 “overlooked” books in the online edition of The Advocate. Only 11 appear in the print version of the issue and Shorn is one of them. 

It is a way different experience to SEE and HOLD the magazine than post and share a link.

They didn’t do a formal review, but to even get a mention for a first published book is kind of a personal big deal.

http://www.nyjournalofbooks.com/review/shorn-toys-men

My first A-List national review came in today from New York Journal of Books.

“Mr. Bensie’s decision to focus his memoir nearly exclusively on his sexual demons makes Shorn, on the one hand, a frank discussion of behaviors that few have ever discussed so honestly, and, on the other, an uncomfortable read. Mr. Bensie bares all and dares the reader to deal with it.”

It is not a fantastic review, but I respect the reviewers opinion. He did have some praise sprinkled throughout. It could have been a lot worse.

I am so thrilled to have gotten the review in the first place. I am a first time writer; I am not famous; and was published by a small (but mighty) independent publisher. Plus the subject matter of homosexuality, mental illness, and sexual deviance certainly took Mr. Michael Adelberg on an uncomfortable ride he probably had never been on before. Looking at his credentials, I would assume my book would not be his first choice to curl up by the fireplace with. It is a hard sell since it is a memoir and my story isn’t a feel-good story. But I think he was fair since we perhaps clash genres a bit.

I await The Advocate’s review, and still have my fingers crossed for some kind of exposure from the LAMBDA Literary Awards and the Stonewall Book Awards.

I am working away on my second book, due out May 1, 2012, entitled ONE GAY AMERICAN …on my iPad!!!!. My six year old laptop died a week ago and it is not in the budget to get a new one at this time. I joked with my friend Patti that I would finish this book by my Christmas deadline if I had to write it on paper plates in my own blood. At the very least, I can say if the book becomes popular, that it was finished in a fury on a iPad.

I asked one of my beta-readers of the latest draft (and nearly the last draft, I believe) to give me five questions to answer that would allow me to talk about ONE GAY AMERICAN. Here is what she asked:

1- What inspired you to write this book?

I started writing this book right after my first book SHORN: TOYS TO MEN came out. I was inspired by a blog entry I wrote while the play adaptation of SHORN was in rehearsal almost a year ago. The entry was about a bride doll I gave my ex-wife. The story of that doll was featured in both the book and the play. I started thinking about how I had always had an obsession with brides, weddings, dolls, and specifically bride dolls since I was a little boy. I thought it would be interesting, with gay marriage being such a hot topic, to write another memoir framed around all of the weddings I experienced in my life as an observer (and once as the groom). How watching other people get married –while being gay and not legally able to get married to the same sex — shaped my life.
The book morphed a bit from there. It became less about the actual weddings and dolls and more about politics and discrimination.

2- You talk a lot about your parents and your ex-wife in this book. What do you think their thoughts would be about ONE GAY AMERICAN?

My parents knew I was gay from a young age and loved me unconditionally, but that didn’t come without a lot of pain and struggle. I think they would be proud of me …but would be glad I didn’t start writing books until after they passed. I think they would be pleased at the thought of our family story shedding light on other gay peoples lives and maybe comforting them.
As far as my ex-wife, I will always care for her. I would hope she would support me trying to enlighten and support young gay people by telling the story of our three year marriage. I didn’t set out to humiliate her or anyone. I just think our story can resonate with others.

3- How do you justify your first memoir SHORN: TOYS TO MEN with writing a second memoir? Both books span your whole life.

SHORN chronicles my struggle with OCD and my haircutting paraphilia. That book was written with a specific style and and tells my story very linearly. Yet the first book didn’t expand on some very critical times in my life: it stays tightly on it’s topic. ONE GAY AMERICAN is told mostly through vignettes. It jumps in time with smaller, individual instances and experiences in my life that speak to and about the gay community. ONE GAY AMERICAN is much broader than my story in SHORN. I was very careful that the two books could blend together and be earnest.

4- Who did you write ONE GAY AMERICAN for? Who is your target reader?

ONE GAY AMERICAN blends gay American history with my personal history. It illustrates the journey the country has been on as the nation became more tolerant of homosexuality, as I became comfortable as a gay man. Both stories are bumpy at times. I hope that my book is for everyone: young, old, gay straight, conservatives and liberals.

5- A personal question that you don’t address at the end of your book. Do you think you will get married if gay marriage becomes legal?

I don’t know. I just hope I have the legal right to someday if I choose. I am absolutely certain the next generation will have more rights than I had in my lifetime. I hope ONE GAY AMERICAN helps speed up that process up.

There has been a lot of exciting news with Shorn: Toys to Men. Within the last month, my memoir has been nominated for a Stonewall Book Award, sponsored by the American Library Association; and review copies have been requested by The Advocate and New York Journal of Books. All three of these notices are national and would be great exposure. There is no guarantee anything will come of the recent attention but my fingers are crossed.

I have been under the impression that I am the first person to write and publish a memoir detailing a haircutting paraphilia.

I am not.

Someone recently emailed me a link to a book on amazon.com called Trophies by David Warren. I ordered it and read it immediately. The book was self-published by the author in 2009. The book, just 140 pages, is very poorly written but chronicles the struggles of it’s author with his uncontrollable compulsion to cut women’s hair in secret or against their will.

He writes:

“Just in the theaters alone, I must have cut over four hundred locks of hair from every type of nationality, and ages from eight to fifty years old from 1977 to 1989. I’m still living with my hair fetish, probably will until I die. I think the best thing to ever happen to me was meeting my wife, settling down and starting a family. Everything I wrote was based on facts. Not all the events happened the way I describe them, but which of the events did will be something I will take to my grave. I apologize to all those I hurt, the victims, their families, and especially to my family.”

David Warren had numerous encounters with the law because of his paraphilia. He was arrested several times for battery and served time in jail for terrorizing and cutting the hair of his victims. He also spent time in a state mental hospital, yet was never really treated for his condition. He was dubbed by the media as “The Hair Bandit”. A nickname he seemed to take pride in at the time.

My experience reading Mr. Warren’s book was difficult. I kept thinking that it could have been me getting sent to jail or being locked away in a mental hospital because of my uncontrollable compulsions.

As a fellow paraphiliac, I did identify with many aspects of the book the author tried to convey: The feeling of being out of control; the sexual confusion; the detachment from friends and family; a loss of hope; low self esteem.

Yet the book lacks any emotional explanation or background for the writer’s behavior. It is all grit and comes across as a diabolical horror story with no motive or heart. Perhaps the author doesn’t have an explanation for his overwhelming urges to cut hair. As a reader, I wanted to know more about him as a person. I wanted to forgive the hair bandit, but the book didn’t inspire sympathy.

The book ends abruptly with Mr. Warren meeting a woman, falling in love, and marrying her in 1993. He implies that his paraphilia is mostly cured by the love of his wife and two sons. I hope that he has, indeed, found a peaceful life. Again, I wanted to know more. How did he just stop? Does he still have urges and how does he cope with them?

There certainly is room for any person with paraphilia (haircutting or any other kind) to come forward and tell their story. I admire David Warren for writing his memoir. I would encourage him to dig deeper inside himself and keep working on the book with the help of a ghost writer or skilled editor. I am sure there is more to tell than what I read in Trophies.

A Graduate Research Assistant from Arizona State University’s School of Social Work contacted Coffeetown Press in early July on behalf of Professor Craig Winston LeCroy asking permission to to use six pages of Shorn: Toys to Men in his upcoming text book due to be released in March of 2012. LeCroy has already published several books in his field.

The book is entitled First Person Accounts of Mental Illness.

Mental Illness.

…Mental …Illness.

Does it have to be in the title?

The section of my book he has chosen to use is when I am literally about to self destruct; I was putting myself in great danger and was mentally unstable. The chapter is “The Triangle”, pages 223-229.

I am honored that LeCroy has read and chosen to use part of my book in his text book. My whole purpose in writing the book was to help others. His book will have a first print run of 3500, and Coffeetown Press has negotiated author and publisher credit for us. His usage could really help book sales and get the word out about the little documented psychological condition of paraphilia.

I am proud of the work I have done on Shorn: Toys to Men, but am often reminded that I didn’t write a popular, feel-good book. It has been a hard sell to get people to read or review Shorn. Still, I believe in my book and keep promoting it as best as I can. I stick with it because I know when I was beginning to fall apart in my early 20′s, I would have found great comfort in reading a book that shed light on my situation. There was nothing out there for people with paraphilia: a term only widely used since around 1980. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one in the world with unusual or dangerous sexual desires could have saved me years of heartache and pain. Perhaps a book like mine would have inspired me to seek help sooner.

The reviews I have garnered of Shorn have been pretty good. I find the people who withhold from the the book are those that know me personally. I am sure it hard to know what to say to your friend, the author of such a book. More than one friend has told me they found it very difficult (emotional) to read. Others say little or nothing, yet acknowledge that they have read it. A few have consciously chose not to read the book at all. I respectfully take all reactions (and non-reactions) to Shorn as earnest.

I must own my mental illness and stand with people like me. I will gladly take a place in First Person Accounts of Mental Illness. I will strive to put a honest face out there for those who need help. Hopefully Craig Winston LeCroy’s book will reach others where Shorn alone cannot reach.

On June 27, 2011, I filed for bankruptcy with the help of an attorney. On August 4, I went to bankruptcy court in Seattle and was released of close to $60,000 worth of debt.

This drastic measure was strategic. Filing for bankruptcy was the only way I could ensure that I could keep my car, my condo (and ultimately my dogs) after losing my job of 20 years at Intiman Theater with little warning. (I was in denial that it would really happen).

I had to borrow $2000 from a friend to pay for the attorney.

I don’t like secrets.  So now I have said it. It’s out there.

I have kept this to myself all summer. The guilt I carry for my financial disaster has ate away at me as much as the secrets I disclosed in Shorn: Toys to Men. Writing that book set me free.

Writing seems better than blaming.

The debt I abolished was a mix of old debt, spun into new debt, mixed with medical bills that I could never pay despite having insurance. It was a mix of frivolous and necessary. Symbolic of my past. The debt was also not just monetary. There were a lot of rollover emotions with each dollar from the grim and secretive years I survived during the 1990’s.

The court granted my bankruptcy. A clean slate. My condo and car are still mine, but precarious as I piece together jobs to stay afloat, even after being granted a new start. I still struggle. I am hustling every day. Despite bankruptcy, I still have debts to pay. The court erased some of my bills. I can’t seem to erase my conscience.

The career choices I made 25 years ago are drying up. I am bitter. The country is changing and I must embrace change, too. I am 46 years old and trying to reinvent myself while keeping my pride intact. I recently had to let go of the people and places in my past that would not respect and support me while I rebuild my livelihood. Loyalty is important to me more than ever as I try to figure out the last act of my life.

My voice is strong. I am humble. I have learned a few lessons and own my mistakes.

I can say, “I am sorry.”

I can say, “I was wrong.”

I want to be a better person and give more than $60,000 worth of good back to the world. I can do that now by releasing my past. I have a much better grip on what is important in life. My mission now is using my voice. I am still an artist, yet in transition. I want to support others who don’t have a voice. I want to say the things others can’t say. I can be an advocate for change.

I don’t want anyone to go through the bad things I have gone through. I can strive to set a better example.

My lessons can be your lessons.